As many of you are aware, we’re fast approaching the due date of Baby Girl Jennings. I want to address the many emails, phone calls and Facebook messages I’ve received suggesting I name my daughter Kim. There are several reasons I won’t choose that name:
The name Kim puts me in mind of Kim Jong Il and Kim Jon Un - not what I want to think of with my precious new daughter in my arms!
I knew a Kim in high school, Kim Stadler, who made fun of me quite a bit. She called me Wacky Jackie - perhaps a bit immature but I can’t help it!
I hesitate to mention this reason but I think a lot of the pressure to consider the name “Kim” stems from Cousin Kim’s recent passing. Without offending her husband Richard, I’d like to also offer reasons why I’d rather not name my unborn daughter after Kim.
Cousin Kim was found floating in a jacuzzi in Fort Lauderdale. There were many empty spray paint cans and shot glasses surrounding the tub, indicating that Kim had done several rounds of whippets and was very drunk at the time of her passing. The male escorts who called 911 denied seeing her consume alcohol or drugs but their mere presence strongly suggests the opposite. This legacy is not what I would like to foist upon my daughter’s small shoulders.
Anyway, I’ve also always wanted to name my daughter after a strong, female literary character. Perhaps Elizabeth after Elizabeth Bennett from Pride and Prejudice .
Look, I don’t want to give the wrong impression. I guess we can’t know for sure what happened in that jacuzzi in Fort Lauderdale. Kim’s (estranged) husband Richard seems very convinced the Illuminati were involved. While I am less sure of that particular conclusion, the circumstances of Cousin Kim’s death aren’t the only reason I’d rather not name my daughter after her. Her life contained plenty of reasons to balk at bestowing her name on my baby.
Another reason I don’t want to name my daughter Kim: the name Kimberley is English for From the Meadow of the Royal Fortress which is stupid.
Are we all just forgetting Kim’s family record-setting 3 divorces - all to Richard whom she met in Narcotics Anonymous for a whippet addiction?But sure, Richard, the Illuminati killed your wife because she was ‘too close’. Too close to what? What fiction were you two spinning in your dark corner of Akron?
Kimchi is my least favorite food as it repeats on me - I don’t want my daughter associated in my mind with acid reflux.
WE ALL KNOW it was Kim who ran over Aunt Susie and Uncle Marc’s beloved pomeranian but no one will talk about it. She told me it was a ‘mercy-killing’ because all purebreds have hip problems sooner or later. I’d sooner name my daughter Buttons, that dog was a saint.
I’d like for my daughter to be world-renowned for more than contracting and cultivating a yeast infection that ‘baffled’ specialists at the Mayo Clinic. I’d like her to have fewer than 3 states actively seeking her arrest. I’d like for her not to pride herself on ‘owning’ a wardrobe shoplifted entirely from Forever 21. So no, I won’t be naming my infant daughter Kimberley and saddling her with a name of a woman Dr. Phil dubbed his most “unfixable” guest.
This letter can also serve as as my formal refusal to write Kim’s eulogy. I’m not sure why I was nominated. We were not ‘like sisters’, Aunt Chelsea. I’ve never met a pair of sisters in which one was slowly and methodically draining the other’s 401K. “Mommy, why can’t I go to Dartmouth?” “Oh, because the lady you’re named after stole your future.”
For those of us still grieving the loss of Kim and her dimly lit future, I offer this comfort: Let us not forget that she has faked her own death before. She might be doing it again.
This is a fake thing I wrote that is intended for laughs!