I Wear T. Shirts

I submitted this not-so-live blog of the VMAs to the Atlantic, never heard back.  A not-so-live blog means I wrote and submitted it four days after the fact but it’s not any better than if I wrote it that night.  For your enjoyment.

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9:05am: Justin Beiber arrived with a tiny penis wrappead around his wrist, presumably from a fan. That’s sweet.

9:10am: CONFIRMED: Beyonce has had done it at least once.

9:15am: On to the show!  The stage is a vagina with feathered pubes.   Ugh, now I have to try that and it’s NOT going to come out like the picture!

9:17am: Well, let’s add Lady Gaga to the list of “Women Dressed as Men Who I Felt Attracted to But Only When They Were Dressed As Men”.  So a piece of paper in my bedside drawer with ‘Hilary Swank’ written on it.

9:21am: A person I do not know making jokes on stage.  Time to get some snacks, take a dump, really settle in for this evening of spectacle and wonder.

10:00am: Katy Perry has cheese on her head.  Russell Brand has cheese all over his groin.  But not the same cheese so nothing’s weird, carry on.

10:15am: Ooo, MTV made a mistake – they keep referring to the award for “Best Song From an Apple Commercial” as “Best Rock Video”.

10:18am: Wiz Khalifa means “Don’t Pee Near the Campsite” in the ancient language I made up.

10:20am: Nicki Minaj is deep in character for her upcoming role of ‘Child Decoy’ on the new season of SVU.

11:00am (I got distracted by my cat!): Whoa Demi Lovato is super hot.  I can say that because I’m a creep but I’m a girl creep.

11:03am:PAUL RUDD, DON’T JUST LEAVE US HERE.  TAKE US WITH YOU! No, he’s gone.  He’s gone.

*A SKETCH INTERLUDE*

3 days before the VMAs

VMA Staff: So Adele, what can we get you?  Dancers?  Fireworks?  Justin Beiber’s getting a little penis to carry, can we get you a little penis?

Adele: Um, just a piano and a mic will be fine, thanks.

VMA Staff: Oh, is that British for ‘Snooki roasting over a fake spit?’  Cause we can do that.

Adele: No, you know, just a piano, like the instrument.  Thanks though! (Adele Exits)

VMA Staff: Whaaaat a bitch.

END

11.09am: Beiber thanks God AND Jesus.  The Holy Spirit flew into a rage and torn down all his Beiber posters.  You’re right, it’s not fair.

11:13am: I dunno, whatever, Chris Brown can dance.

11:20: Britney has a cold and is thanking her kids and is sober.  Good for her. But BOOOOOOOOOOOORING!

11:25am: The cast of the Jersey Shore took the stage and everyone was like, Ew.  Then the flew away in their gold-encrusted helicopters and everyone was like, Oh.  Then those helicopters crashed because gold is heavy and everyone was like, Ew.

11:30am: The Hunger Games looks sexy but the kind of sexy where everyone’s dying.  Am I right?  It’s like 10 books worth of the last 5 minutes of Armageddon.  Can I borrow ur copy?

11:40am: Everyone’s like, Valerie!  Was that Amy Winehouse’s big song?  I thought it was the one about not going to…nevermind.  What a tasteful, colorful, light filled tribute for someone who died very recently!

And the show’s over! When’s Mad Men back on?

10:45pm (I awoke from a fitful slumber with this thought): I want to clarify – the cheese on Katy Perry’s head was cheddar.  The cheese on Russell Brand’s balls is from never washing his balls.